Military Humor and related

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shiv
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by shiv »

anirban_aim wrote:
Yes of Course you are entitled to your views. Yes there are a lot many people out there who are trying to play on respectable brand names to make a quick buck.
Precisely. Its is called marketing. If it is unethical the law should be thrown at the offender.
anirban_aim wrote:But compare it with calling yourself a Ranger or a Para. You just don't name yourself that or start wearing those badges just because you feel like it. As pointed by others you have to earn that name and symbol.

We all know that Fauj values Naam & Nishaan. We can't play with that exclusivity. If you want it, you earn it.
Saar once again - it must be me but I see Macaulay talking here. For the mango man in India fauji is fauji. Para and Ranger are also fauji. They are all brave all tough. All make sacrifices. if Rangers and Paras are special someone has to tell them about it. Bharat Rakshak is doing less of that than this man it seems.

I need to confirm this but I do not believe that Indian special forces guys see ordinary jawans as wimps. This seems to be a characteristic of the British SAS and the US Marines who hold the regular army in contempt. Hence the mine is bigger attitude worn on the shoulder by those firangi spl forces. "You gotta earn it" is what American kids tell me - the latest being a nephew of mine who wants to join the US Army but admits that he can't make it to the "Marines". "Oh the Marines - they're awesome" he told me. The "huge difference" between GI Joe and Marine is the stuff of American folklore. Indian army has no "Rangers" in any case as far as I know. Are they American? Or maybe Pakistanian.

anirban_aim wrote: Secondly Shiv Saar, i really did not follow this part
Sirji are you implying that Indians should follow the precedent set in Amreeka? Maybe you do not mean that but it sounds like that. If someone cannot do something in the USA it does not automatically become bad for someone to do it here.
This logic somehow beats me. Looks like cyclical logic. Tell me Saar Why is that if something is wrong in Amreeka that it canot be wrong in India as well. Killing people is wrong in Amreeka so is it in India, Stealing is wrong in Amreeka so is it in India, Most Importantly Impersonating is wrong in Amreeka so is it India morally, ethically and Legally.
Nobody claimed that impersonation is not wrong in India. But if it is wrong in India there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to bring up America - as if it makes it more wrong in India. The entire reference to America was completely unnecessary. And that is what I was pointing out was Macaulay speaking. All that needs to be said that impersonation is wrong in India. Whether it is wrong in America or Boputhaswana does not make it any different. No? Why refer to America at all? This is a man in India wearing badges that imitate Indian special forces.

The topic as you point out is hardly funny and inappropriate for the humor thread. But hey - it wasn't my choice to discuss it on here.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Gaur »

Shiv Sir,

Is wearing slightly modified IA insignia illegal? Is it illegal to "imply" that you are from the forces when you are not?
No.

Is it unethical?
This is a grey area where the answer will depend upon the personal views. To someone else, it may be an acceptable marketing practice. To me, there cannot be anything more shameful and lowly than that.

Regarding the Macaulay influencing what is being said.
Frankly, I was most bewildered when I read your posts.
Just because I "feel" that citizens of any XYZ nation care more for the honour of their servicemen, I see no reason why Indians should care any less.
Just because PARA SF is held in great esteem, does not mean that PARA SF sees rest of IA jawans as "wimps".
Just because one has to earn their badges in the western forces, does not mean that one does not have to earn them here. To the contrary, IA personnel "earn" their badges much more than their counterparts do in other Nations (IMO).


Most uncharacteristically, I find you twisting the words, applying lahori logic to them and giving them a totally different meaning. I find that you are very insecure about India. When you read a post, you seem hellbent on finding an imaginary connection to Western Countries. Then you say, "look they are doing/saying this...we also perform/say this in a similar way. That is very bad. So, erase the slave mentality and overcome the Western influence over yourself."

I don't give a damn whether the Rangers or Delta force earn their badges or not.
I don't give a damn whether their SF are considered elite or not.
I do not care if their SF look down upon the non SF soldiers.

I know and care that IA soldiers do "earn" their uniform and badge.
I know and revere the fact that a PARA SF soldier "earns" his Balidan badge when he sheds his first blood in operation (the only other way is to survive in a SF unit for a considerable time).
I know and respect the fact that IA don't consider their badges as just some random symbols but take great pride and honour in wearing them.

Sirji, I have great respect for you and I am not saying this just for the sake of saying it. Please believe me when I say that I mean no offense. However, I feel very strongly about this subject and hence could not stop myself from replying. So, again, no offense meant.

But I understand that you may not have the same opinion as mine and I respect that.
Last edited by Gaur on 14 Apr 2011 01:11, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Sanku »

Its getting US comparison which is the issue here. Why compare? IMVHO there is a very valid point Shiv has.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Gaur »

Sanku wrote:Its getting US comparison which is the issue here. Why compare? IMVHO there is a very valid point Shiv has.
Arre bhai, when have I or any other person ever said "This is wrong because it is wrong in US"? On the contrary, it started when a poster posted that "This is acceptable as the western PMCs do it all the time."
To that, Raja Bose and me responded that it is not the same and I gave an example of how the western PMCs would have to behave to be comparable to this this situation.
I have reported the posts for your convenience.
Jaeger wrote:^^Sorry, I think he is only doing what MANY OTHER TFTA security services organizations are doing. How many times have gear-heads drooled over tacticool images of 'spec-ops' teams standing around looking cool without any indication of how effective they actually are in combat? Remember that image of the Serb (or something) president's guard - they looked like it was a goddamn fashion parade. Who knows how good they are?
This dude could be good, bad, ugly who knows? He's just an SDRE marketing his skills in a TFTA-obsessed world. We may not (I definitely am not) be impressed by his shaolin monk-ey moves but what the hell. As long as he's not breaking any rules and putting soldiers lives in danger - which is some the COs of the forces he is training should be clear about, right?
Raja Bose wrote:^^^I think Gaur's main issue is the guy wearing patches and badges which are earned through shedding lots of blood and sacrifice - something which this guy has with a probability of 99.99999% not gone through. I agree with him. Otherwise I should also claim I am a Param Vir Chakra/Ashoka Chakra awardee to market myself and should not be taken to task since I did not cause anybody physical harm. There is a difference between looking cool and impersonation including fraudulent use of govt. insignia - the latter is downright illegal even in India but I guess nobody cares enough to enforce it.
Gaur wrote: You have precisely summarised my problem with this guy. The PVC analogy explains the issue perfectly.

Jaeger,
As Raja Bose has said, you have completely misunderstood me. :-) As I have said before, I am not qualified to comment on the man's abilities. Also, I respect the need for marketing your skills.

Regarding the western PMCs. They show themselves all TFTA but I doubt if they would dare to imply being US Army rangers by wearing Tan beret and slightly modified Rangers Tab. My guess is that would cause a furore there.

When Raja Bose says that the particular SF badge is earned through Blood and sacrifice, he is not speaking figuratively.
Last edited by Gaur on 13 Apr 2011 19:53, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Sandeep_ghosh »

i wonder how this shifu will fare in UFC
Gaur
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Gaur »

Sandeep_ghosh wrote:i wonder how this shifu will fare in UFC
Again, that is not the point. :) He may win UFC consecutively for eternity. But even that would not give him the right to wear IA emblem, Maroon beret and Balidan Badge and write "MARINE COMMNDOS" on his beret.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Klaus »

IMO, the Paramilitary and Special Forces have a right to file a case in court against this person, if people bring it to their notice. All posters here would do well to remember that this is a Military Humour thread and not a Military Mockery thread!
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by shiv »

Gaurji. No offence taken at all. I do not find your posts offensive and I apologise if you find mine offensive. But I notice certain things and I point them out. And I point them out no matter who has said them. You say that I have an insecurity about India.

Actually, if I feel insecure about something it is about Indians (not India), especially English speaking Indians who have always got most of their inputs from the anglophone nations, English language books and media. Very often English speaking Indians as a group subtly use American or Western standards and examples as the standards that need to be followed and I see red when that happens.

So many western/American standards and expressions "slip in" unconsciously when we communicate. Pointing out such slips often causes a great deal of irritation so I have to tread carefully but I care too much about my country to be cowed down by sensitivities.

The topic is vast and frequently OT for this thread an even this forum - but I have plenty to say about the issue and could certainly fill a chapter of a book. It is unethical to impersonate someone I am told. It is unethical only when it is used for unethical ends. Impersonation happens all the time. It could be for humor (Elvis clones, Gandhi costume in a chlldrens' fancy dress) , it could be for art (drama). Impersonation is not unethical under those circumstances. Impersonation becomes unethical when it is used for unethical purposes. If this man claims that he belongs to or has belonged to the special forces he is clearly lying. But he is apparently wearing some badges that imitate the real ones. i don't know. I can't tell one badge from another. On the other hand I can see that he is doing two things

1) he is imparting some sort of military, fitness and martial arts training to a variety of groups
2) he is widely advertising himself on the net

I do not see either of these two things as bad especially in my ignorance I cannot for the life of me recognise whether he is wearing a para badge or some other badge. If he wears a Indian Cricket team shirt I would not hold it against him. The Indian sports colors are earned too - but they can also be bought. I would not feel contempt for him any more than I feel contempt for child wearing an imitation commando costume or cricket colors.

It is a point of fact (i have refs - incidentally sitting right in front of me) that the US Marines and the SAS express contempt for mango soldiers. I do not think that is true in the Indian army. Now if I get back to that nice rhetorical point that was made about ethics (not by you). It is a firangi characteristic to make a big deal about "earning my red beret". If one uses a foreign example then one must be willing to take into account the ethics of contempt for other soldiers while wearing one's badge or beret with contemptuous pride.

I will stop here. The subject - and the thoughts I have are actually vast and I will not carry on unless more discussion is desired.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by shiv »

Klaus wrote:IMO, the Paramilitary and Special Forces have a right to file a case in court against this person, if people bring it to their notice. All posters here would do well to remember that this is a Military Humour thread and not a Military Mockery thread!
True. But there is an Indian way. Suing in India means the court case will go on for 15 years. It gets done quick only in America. The India way is that if an army unit feels insulted they merely have to request the man (in writing) not to use those badges/insignias. The court case comes only if he fails to comply.

Once again - there is an Indian method of doing things. Suing is a bad option, though not wrong.

I am shifting further discussion to the newbie thread.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Raja Bose »

shiv wrote: In India it is acceptable for the owner a ceramic tile firm to have a big yellow"M" a la McDonalds as his logo as it is acceptable for a man to have a shop called Kentacky Fried Chicken (i have a photograph somewhere). No laws are being broken. If someone wants to sue him fine. If someone does not like it fine. But if he is doing some good for people without breaking any laws there is no need in my view to come down heavily on him. Like I said - my views.
saar, You are confusing impersonation/infringement of commercial registered trademarks with impersonation of official govt. issued insignia. Those two are vastly different violations. Just like there is a difference between betraying a company's product plan vs. betraying your country's official secrets. BTW laws are being broken in each case however the severity is different. I doubt anybody will really arrest you for using a big yellow McDonald's "M" on your letter head but would the same leniency be applied if you publicly started using GoI Raksha Mantri letterhead with your name on it?

I am not even going into the morality of the thing in context of what is being done by this joker - what he is doing is not only legally but also morally repugnant since the para tab and Balidan badge are not some trademarks one can start wearing after paying Rs.100 to the babu in the GoI Patent and Trademark office.
shiv
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by shiv »

Raja Bose wrote:
shiv wrote: In India it is acceptable for the owner a ceramic tile firm to have a big yellow"M" a la McDonalds as his logo as it is acceptable for a man to have a shop called Kentacky Fried Chicken (i have a photograph somewhere). No laws are being broken. If someone wants to sue him fine. If someone does not like it fine. But if he is doing some good for people without breaking any laws there is no need in my view to come down heavily on him. Like I said - my views.
saar, You are confusing impersonation/infringement of commercial registered trademarks with impersonation of official govt. issued insignia. Those two are vastly different violations. Just like there is a difference between betraying a company's product plan vs. betraying your country's official secrets. BTW laws are being broken in each case however the severity is different. I doubt anybody will really arrest you for using a big yellow McDonald's "M" on your letter head but would the same leniency be applied if you publicly started using GoI Raksha Mantri letterhead with your name on it?

I am not even going into the morality of the thing in context of what is being done by this joker - what he is doing is not only legally but also morally repugnant since the para tab and Balidan badge are not some trademarks one can start wearing after paying Rs.100 to the babu in the GoI Patent and Trademark office.
My reply here
http://forums.bharat-rakshak.com/viewto ... 5#p1069445
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by anirban_aim »

shiv wrote:
Nobody claimed that impersonation is not wrong in India. But if it is wrong in India there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to bring up America - as if it makes it more wrong in India. The entire reference to America was completely unnecessary. And that is what I was pointing out was Macaulay speaking. All that needs to be said that impersonation is wrong in India. Whether it is wrong in America or Boputhaswana does not make it any different. No? Why refer to America at all?
.

Point taken Saar. No contest There. I was only extending the same examples quoted by earlier posters. But your point is valid and well appreciated.

But Saar, I still feel that there is more to this debate than this:
shiv wrote:
Actually, if I feel insecure about something it is about Indians (not India), especially English speaking Indians who have always got most of their inputs from the anglophone nations, English language books and media. Very often English speaking Indians as a group subtly use American or Western standards and examples as the standards that need to be followed and I see red when that happens.

So many western/American standards and expressions "slip in" unconsciously when we communicate. Pointing out such slips often causes a great deal of irritation so I have to tread carefully but I care too much about my country to be cowed down by sensitivities
.

Saar, for many of us here (Definitely for me) these are matters of faith of long held beliefs and stuff I/we have looked upto almost all my/our lives, and as you would agree symbols are an important part and means of any faith. I/we hold these symbols divine. So what is marketing for one is blasphemy for me/us.

To illustrate this point better let me highlight the example of some company (I forget which one now, if needed I'll post links later, but I'm sure you'll remember the incident) which came out with Rubber Slippers with Images of Hindu Gods and Goddesses on them and similar case with an underwear manufacturing company.

No one will argue that these are marketing attempts, probably these help in increasing the curiosity level of the the foreign buyer bny having some exotic images, a good marketing idea you might say, but most definitely blasphemous for me and for many other mango people you speak of.

So I most humbly submit that I accept that this guy is an Indian and probably trying to do his job well and in the process trying to market himself but the icons that he chose as marketing tools are causing hurt to others like me.

Also, I'm pretty sure if one collates all teh images in which he is wearing all this slightly modified insignia and forward them to authorities witha a formal complaint, definitely action can be taken against him.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Gaur »

shiv wrote:
I will stop here. The subject - and the thoughts I have are actually vast and I will not carry on unless more discussion is desired.
Yes, discussion on this topic can go on for pages and still it no clear consensus will be formed. After all, morality and ethics are not a clearly defined entities.
Moreover, I do not think that there is any humour left in this discussion anymore. So, patience of the mods would also be getting stretched.:)
Last edited by Gaur on 13 Apr 2011 21:07, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Viv S »

I'm sorry I'm seem to be a little lost. Could someone give me directions to the Military Humor thread?
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by babbupandey »

Image
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Megh »

First generation of "smart munitions" :)

Image
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Santosh Pandey »

http://www.dawn.com/2011/04/28/drone-at ... s-out.html

a satire on drone attacks in pak.. its a good read !! :lol:
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by manum »

nikhil_p
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The Gernails who proposed this should be WHACKED! :)

Post by nikhil_p »

Received this on email and also uploaded on Livefist!

http://livefist.blogspot.com/2011/05/in ... awood.html Livefist link

Image
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Re: The Gernails who proposed this should be WHACKED! :)

Post by Boreas »

nikhil_p wrote:Received this on email and also uploaded on Livefist!

http://livefist.blogspot.com/2011/05/in ... awood.html Livefist link
reminds me of - No One Messes With The Zohan
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by atreya »

"It reaches Pakistani waters the next day" :rotfl:
Good they didn't write, "Pakistan Navy attacks, submarine destroys all the ships and aircraft and proceeds"
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Marut »

^^ Some more interesting points:
1. Rubber boat is indeed correct for the Zodiacs or Geminis that marcos use can only take aout 6-7max. Or maybe we have mastered a secret takniki to fit 12 in those boats.
2. hired bus indeed! whose name will it be hired, Shri. Chinnasamy Harvinder Singh Ganguly, Jt. Secy, MOD or Mr. Brandy (secret RAW agent operating from the 1700000 Indian consulates in AFG) with invoice in triplicate for accounting purpose :)
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Rahul M »

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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by VishalJ »

Image
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by jai »

http://indiastrategic.in/topstories1016.htm

Dog with Metal teeth used in raid on Osama

Reminds me of the "Babbar Kutta" - Maybe that's what we/DRDO should develop next.

Santa's neighbourhood was being terrorized by vicious wild dogs, who bite him on his musharraf one day. Banta comes to meet him in the hospital and upon learning about the nasty dogs, offers to help. The next week, he comes to visit Santa along with his "Babbar Kutta", a long mouthed, low dog without a tail. Next morning, Banta takes Babbar out, and is promptly challanged by a big local dog. Babbar tears into the mutt and eats it up in a minute. The whole colony is amazed. Just then, three more local dogs show up and attack Babbar. Lo and behold, Babbar makes mince meat of all three of them in no time. The entire colony is electrified, and amid celebrations, one of the curious onlookers ask him, Sardarji, your dog is amazing, what breed is he ?

Banta explains - you see when he had a tail, he was called a magarmucchh.........(crocodile)
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Sri »

Rahul Gandhi’s article on corruption published in Champak magazine
New Delhi. In a major embarrassment to the Congress party, an article written by its General Secretary Rahul Gandhi has been published by once popular children’s magazine Champak. The article deals with the currently hot topic of corruption in public life and it shows how a young lion named “Leo Baby” removed corruption from the jungle for good.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: This Faking News guy is hilarious
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by viktor »

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz
while flying from Turkey to Jamnagar...

The conversation went like this.....

Pakitani Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Pakistani airspace.
Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is an Indian aircraft. I am in international airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Pakistani airspace... If you do not depart
our airspace we will launch interceptor aircrafts!'

Aircraft: 'This is an Indian Air Force Su-30 MkI fighter armed with nine R77
BVR (Beyond Visual Range) missiles. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence)



Cheers... to the IAF!!
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by rajeshks »

^^^^ Reminds me of my college days.. one person writes the C program and others copy that.. replace variable names and some extra blank lines here and there makes it a new program.. hmm..

Read another version of this story with Iran air defence and American F15s..
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by viktor »

Jokes are supposed to be funny irrespective of nationalities. This came as a forward from a friend donning OG. Pasted it without changes. :)
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Mukesh.Kumar »

Couldn't resist posting this one.

Surprise, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia Yes two great Muslim Nations will be competing for the number one spot, twenty years from now?


World's top 10 Superpowers, 20 Years from Today
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by joygoswami »

Mukesh.Kumar wrote:Couldn't resist posting this one.

Surprise, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia Yes two great Muslim Nations will be competing for the number one spot, twenty years from now?


World's top 10 Superpowers, 20 Years from Today
Oh My God. Oh My God....I cant believe this :shock: :rotfl: . These Pukies are crazy and hilarious.
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Klaus »

jai wrote: Banta explains - you see when he had a tail, he was called a magarmucchh.........(crocodile)
Banta could have gotten away by passing it for a special dog breed if he could put a colored vest over the scales of the reptile. With the variety seen in today's dog shows, anything is possible!
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Post by Sharma »

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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by VishalJ »

Right now while just searching for #Rafale hashtags on Twitter, i stumbled upon this which made me chuckle.
The nonsense that people write/tweet :lol:
http://twitter.com/anshumanch

#India buying #French #Typhoon & #Rafale instead of #F18 & #F16 cries of big scam!
Will @Swamy39 @SushmaSwarajBJP wake up & smell the rat?!
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Vinit »

Probably an old one:

The CO of an Indian armoured regiment on the Pak border had a policy of strictly turning down requests for leave. One day, he was particularly irritated by jawan Shyam Singh pestering him for leave, for the third time.

Shyam Singh: "Sir, please, sir. Its a big wedding in my family. I have to go. Only 3 days sir."

CO: "Shyam Singh, I have refused you three times already. This is an order - stop bothering me. You can get leave only if you bring over one of those Paki Al-Khalids."

Shyam Singh leaves, but is back in an hour.

Shyam Singh: "Sir! Al-Khalid tank is outside sir! Can I have my leave now?"

The CO runs outside and sees a Paki Al-Khalid parked on his lawn. He turns to Shyam Singh and asks how the hell he managed to capture a Paki Al-Khalid so quickly.

Shyam Singh: "Sir! Someone over there wanted leave too, sir!"
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Bala Vignesh »

Its an old one alright.. Read the same thing, only instead of Al-Khalid its about a Jordanian Challenger/Syrian T-72 to be captured by an Israeli trooper..
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Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Sharma »

CO to Adjutant - I want to go to sunrise point tomorrow morning. Send my car at 0500 hrs.
Adjutant to MT Offr - CO will to go to sunrise point tomorrow morning. Send his car at 0430 hrs.
MT Offr to MT JCO - CO wants his car 0330 hrs tomorrow morning.
MT JCO to Detail Havaldar - Send COs car at 0200 hrs.
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CO'S wife to CO - Cheeku darling...why have you called you car at 12 in the night?
Vinit
BRFite -Trainee
Posts: 81
Joined: 01 Oct 2010 08:58

Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Vinit »

In the early 1980s, some of the regimental HQs on the Western border were getting secure teletype machines linking them to Div HQ and each other. An expert visited a regiment to install the machine and train NCO operators.

Expert: "So, whatever you type here on this machine, will get typed on this paper ribbon here. At the same time, it will also get typed on the Div HQ paper ribbon. See, I will type TEST TEST. It appears on our paper ribbon, also on the DivHQ paper ribbon. I will now type CONFIRM TRANS, you can see it on our paper ribbon, it will also appear on the DivHQ paper ribbon. Now I am typing INIT SEC TRANS 061108 14:30, you can see it on our paper ribbon, it will also be there on the DivHQ paper ribbon..."

By now the paper ribbon (a thin strip pushed out of the machine) was quite long, so the expert reached over and tore it off.

Said an NCO, "Sir, the ribbon would have torn off at DivHQ also?"
Raja Bose
BRF Oldie
Posts: 19478
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 01:38

Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Raja Bose »

Taking the liberty to post some of RayC sir's better stories - hope he won't mind. Enjoy!
THE QUARTERMASTER AND THE BONDAS
The unit was located in Naushera in J&K and was deployed on the hill sector along the Line of Control.

The Corps Commander was visiting the unit. This was not a normal event since Corps Commanders are very senior officers and three levels above the unit level.

Army, being over-reactive about their hierarchical pecking order, such events traumatised the protocol infrastructure and each level of command took hyperactive personal interest in ensuring that the visit went off flawless. None wanted their heads to roll. Each level of the hierarchy ensured so by checking, re-checking and re-rechecking ad infinitum right down to the ground level that all contingencies had been catered for and nothing was overlooked. In short, such visits were a torment to those being visited. Interestingly, Parkinson's Law always, without fail, did not fail to apply itself during such visits!

On the momentous day, every aspect of the visit of the Corps Commander to the unit was picture perfect. However, Parkinson's Law, right as rain, applied itself. The Corps Commander, who was to arrive at the unit Tactical HQ by helicopter, could not do so as the weather was foul. Hence, he landed at the Divisional HQ and was driving down to the unit. The drive would take about two hours and so there was ample time to react.

Everything had been catered for. However, what supposing the Corps Commander wanted to wash his hands, after the two hour journey, at the unit Base before commencing the ride up the hill to the Tactical HQ?

The Commanding Officer {CO} was a man of details and this aspect was bothering him intensely. He was a person who liked preciseness. He wasn't at all comfortable or happy about the departure from the set-piece programme of the Corps Commander with this driving down instead of landing by helicopter at the unit Tactical HQ.

The Quartermaster {QM} was at the Base. He was a pleasant, happy go lucky, rotund young officer with a bagful of initiative and a "never say die" attitude. The CO rang him up and told him to ensure that the Officers' Mess, at the Base, was shipshape, the toilet spankingly clean and to keep a safaiwala [janitor] ready at a moment's notice in the vicinity. And of course, some light refreshments were to be at hand that could be served so that the Corps Commander knew that the unit was "on the ball". Having ordered so, the CO went back to the practising of his Briefing for the 189th time!

Parkinson's Law didn't apply this time. The Corps Commander stopped at the Base to "wash his hands". There was the usual hustle and bustle of his personal staff, the Divisional and Brigade HQs staff who were accompanying and the Mess staff including the QM. They followed the Corps Commander towards the Mess as if being pulled by the vacuum created in his wake! It is only in the Army that a VIP relieving himself by answering nature's call is given the reverence normally associated with an event of national importance!

The Corps Commander entered the Mess. He looked at the QM and gave a shake of the leg as if shaking a boisterous housefly off the trouser. Bending at 80 degrees to the perpendicular, the Corps Commander wiggled his little finger of the left hand as if seized by an involuntary twitch and said "Which a-way to the Loo, old boy?"

The QM had never ever had the good fortune of a Corps Commander speaking to him. He was awe struck! He thought that he too had to answer in a fancy way and so he said, "That a-way sir" and before he could copy the Corps Commander's leg shake which he thought would be appropriate, the Corps Commander, fortunately for all, was on his way.

The Divisional Commander [next in the hierarchy] was taken aback by what he thought was the cheek of this junior officer to copy the Corps Commander's syntax. He would have been hopping wild had he realised that the QM had attempted the Corps Commander's leg shake. To him it appeared as if the QM had slipped on the water that had by then settled on the linoleum from the clothes of the various personalities [who were wet from the light drizzle] crowding the alley leading to the "Men’s’.

The Corps Commander had moved into the ‘Men’s’. The Divisional Commander decided to have another "dekko" at the arrangements. He stood aghast as his eyes laid on the savouries to be offered to the Corps Commander.

"Bondas?" :x he asked querulously and fixed a horribly immobile stare on the QM, who was beaming with delight that the Divisional Commander had observed the savoury that he had had prepared for them.

"Bondas?" :x :x echoed the Brigade Commander peevishly on cue as did any other officer worth his salt. All were aghast and all spoke in unison, so much so, the statement resounded like the Onida Bass Surround TV (Note: Back then Onida was a well-known brand of Television with big speakers). It was a different matter that they did not understand why the Divisional Commander was horrified and grouchy at the sight of Bondas.

"Are you aware that the Corps Commander is an Armoured Corps chap?" "and you have the temerity to offer Indian savouries and that too the type that would be found in a cheap halwai's shop?", bellowed the Divisional Commander, a decibel lower that what would reach the ‘Men’s’ where the Corps Commander apparently had nestled.

"Yes sir. I know that the Corps Commander is an Armoured Corps officer and they are reputed to prefer crumpets and strawberry in cream with their tea. However, sir, I don't know how to make them and also, sir, what could be better than hot hot bondas on a rainy day like today?", the QM said with a radiant smile that annoyed the Divisional Commander no end and even more, the Brigade Commander.

"Bakwaas!! You village bumpkin. :evil: :evil: You are the biggest idiot I have seen. A rum ball with a hot rum punch would have fitted the occasion and the weather; not these stupid, smelly, oily [he was spluttering in anger and had apparently run out of adjectives] bondas. Have you seen the size of the bondas? They are as fat and big as you are. How can he put them ever so gently in the mouth? You have no sophistication. You are a real rustic!", the Divisional Commander thundered. He, it appeared, was by now immensely inflamed and frothing at the mouth.

The QM cringed. :oops: However, Divine intervention saved him from a further berating. The Corps Commander had emerged from the "Loo" and was looking definitely much relieved. He seemed to be in the best of moods and was genially smiling as he emerged.

His eyes fell on the Bondas. The Divisional Commander and his 'faithful echoes' froze!

The Corps Commander took two steps towards the Bondas and stopped abruptly, practically screeching to a halt! A cold shiver went down the spine of the Divisional Commander.

"Ah, sir...", and whatever the Divisional Commander wanted to say was drowned in the shriek that emanated from the Corps Commander. All froze with fear waiting anxiously for the Corps Commander's inevitable indignation that was expected at this spread.

The Corps Commander pounced towards the table in what appeared a leap, swiped the largest Bonda,bit a massive chunk,.....and literally gloated, more like a cat which had filched a platter of milk. :D

"What a capital idea! Hot hot Bondas on a rainy day. Well done and well thought of, old boy! 8) 8) ", the Corps Commander was definitely rapturous as his gaze twinkled towards the QM.

The Divisional Commander and his gang emulated the Corps Commander's leap, swiped the Bondas, and echoed, "A wonderful idea indeed, sir!" They too beamed but definitely not towards the QM.

The broadest smile was on the QM's face. :D :mrgreen:

He had had the last laugh and damn the strawberries, cream, and crumpets!
Last edited by Raja Bose on 26 May 2011 06:42, edited 1 time in total.
Raja Bose
BRF Oldie
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Joined: 18 Oct 2005 01:38

Re: Military Humor and related

Post by Raja Bose »

THE TELEPHONE AND THE "WHORE"

The biggest curse of modern life is the telephone. Alexander Graham Bell, if he lived today, would have been lynched by quite a few of us.

The telephone conversations in the Army are quite unique. It follows a set pattern. The syntax is mostly Punjabi, since the majority in the Army are from this community and their cultural invasion permeates the military fabric. Extraordinary is that South Indians, who have no clue of Punjabi, are prone to speak in this language, remaining delightfully untutored of the nuances of this unique language. I, too, though not a South Indian, am in their ranks.

Like it or not, Punjabi is the "national language" of the Army. The Punjabis are also polite fellows. In conversation, they like to build up bonhomie with a personal touch before coming to the point, more so when favours are required.

One day, I was in the office of a South Indian friend when a telephone call came.

"Colonel Nellakipalli Parambil Balakrishnan here!", said this friend of mine. He was also known as "Bala" to friends. Bala was pathological averse to North Indians calling him a South Indian. He repeatedly, ad infinitum, corrected all and sundry that there were four different communities in the geographical entity called South India and that they were as similar as chalk to cheese. He informed that he came from what was known as "God's own country" Kerala and that it was derogatory to club them with all and sundry from the South.

I couldn't hear clearly what the caller said since my friend was holding the earpiece glued to his ear as per the instructions on the "Use of Telephones", issued by the Corps of Signals.

"What do you mean you are fine? I never asked you about how were you. Please be to the point!" :evil:

I realised that the caller had replied "I am fine" as per drill since the first sentence normally was a "How are you?"

"Why are you asking how my Mother is?! :-? I don't think you know her. And anyway, she is dead."

There was a long-winded question from the caller as the next reply took some time. Colonel Bala was looking at me like a fish that had just been landed would gasp, when out of water as it slowly died!

"My father?! How is he??? God Bless the old man. I really don't know. He has already entered the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Since you have enough time at hand, as I perceive, why don't you contact God instead of me?!@#$%" :evil:

"What??? My dog?! Well, my dog is fine. Anyway, how does it matter even if he has had a touch of rabies? I say, can't you come to the point? What is that you have rung me for?"

"What? You want a vehicle? Well, I am not dealing with vehicles. And anyway, if that was what you wanted, then why the hell did you want to know about how my dear departed family was doing and that too when you didn't know the dear folks? You Punjabis are the limit. To get something out of a guy, you really do anything to be folksy and familiar. May I recommend that you do your homework first!" :x :x

"OK OK. I am not being angry but I have work to do. Also, to be frank I don't know Punjabi and so it took me more time to understand what you were talking about."

"What? A Whore?! What do you mean calling me a Whore????!! :evil: :evil: I can't give you a vehicle since I don't detail vehicles. But I must ask you to have a civil tongue in your head. There is no need to be offensive and call me a Whore! Even there you are wrong. By the way, I am a man so I can't be a whore."

"OK. OK. So, 'whore' is actually '...and what more' in Punjabi? Great. You guys up North can really confuse issues. If I asked you 'more' I am sure you would have thought I was taking about a peacock (in Hindi a Peacock is called a 'More'). Boy, you guys are rare! Thank God I am a Keralite. We at least have a sensible tongue to speak and understand!" :roll:

Having said that, Colonel Bala hung up. I could see he was livid but I thought he was being a trifle unfair.

So before he started haranguing me, I quickly said, "Malayalam [his language] is also queer, Colonel Bala. You say 'Sari Sari', when you mean neither a 'Saree' nor an Indianised 'Sorry'; and instead actually meaning, 'Correct' in Malayalam. So, I reckon all languages are funny if you interpret it in another language."

That stumped Colonel Bala. As I left his office having said it, I saw that he was still gasping for words like a fish landed out of water!
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