Military Humor and related

[chackojoseph]

Bradmin's please move this out in suitable place. I do not see other threads to accommodate it.

Few days back, I had this discussion with H & D. He says " Radars are not needed as all aircraft's are going stealth. Hence the Fiazaa F-7's are futuristic."

Iss baat ka koi tood hai?

[Pratyush]

CHAKO let me try

That means the Fiazaa has no need for EFF solahs.

[ArmenT]

What's next? Engines not needed, as the Pak press has proudly proclaimed that the Thandaar is capable of flying at zero air-speed.

[P Chitkara]

Next is the fizzle ya does not require multi-role a/c. Their super duper pilots can make any a/c perform multiple roles up in the air and make it multi role

[VijayV]

Next stage.
Pilots will be given stock of CHANNA in place of fueling the AC, as engines are modified to run on CNG

[chackojoseph]

Next is the fizzle ya does not require multi-role a/c. .....

You goteite. This was the dijcushion I had with him.

[chackojoseph]

Got this via mail:

Speeding Ticket
Kingsville, TX


Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX.

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.


The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to aUSMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, TX.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to theU.S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.


The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter ...

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

[Pratyush]

Is all i can say

[Pratik_S]

Got this via mail:
Speeding Ticket
Kingsville, TX

ROFL

[chackojoseph]

OK, if folks like jokes...

Once there was a unit parade and one General was supposed to visit and a Major was handling the event.

So, this General comes and gives a speech. he covered a lot of points like discipline, morals etc.

Then major was supposed to speak.

He said "Ok troops those were the general points, now this is the major points......"

[anirban_aim]

"Ok troops those were the general points, now this is the major points......"

Ok!!! This one just takes the cake..... Just made my morning!!!

[anirban_aim]

A request to the fellow BRFites and Mods, please don't IB4TL or lock this thread.....

[chackojoseph]

A request to the fellow BRFites and Mods, please don't IB4TL or lock this thread.....

IB4TL

[Bala Vignesh]

He said "Ok troops those were the general points, now this is the major points......"

Well.. I'll say this... Awesome choice of words...

[chackojoseph]

Guy's. if you like military odes. Lt Col AK Sharma has been poring his heart in it. Those who like it can appreciate in his blog which I have started maintaining. He calls himself Sam and oters 'shorty.'This is the best I can do for him

Sam's Blog

Can a bradmin change the thread heading to "Military Humor and Trivia."

[P Chitkara]

Picked it up from BR humor thread in 2004-2005. Found it somewhere on my online storage. Reposting it.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland NOT installed on this aircraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm (feet per minute) descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[rsharma]

6-7 Years ago, came across this one on BRF.. re-posting..

(Q) What is the "Vice" of the Vice-Admiral ?
(A) The "Rear" of the Rear-Admiral..

[Kersi D]

Guy's. if you like military odes. Lt Col AK Sharma has been poring his heart in it. Those who like it can appreciate in his blog which I have started maintaining. He calls himself Sam and oters 'shorty.'This is the best I can do for him

Sam's Blog

Can a bradmin change the thread heading to "Military Humor and Trivia."

Who is this "bradmin" ? Is he related to the latet Sir Donald Bradman ?

K

[Dilbu]

BR Admin

[Kersi D]

BR Admin

I thought so. I was just joking. But this is a very serious thread, joking is NOT allowed on humour thread.

[chackojoseph]

P Chitkara ans rsharma

KesriD, Don't joke on Bradmins, else you will get "please check your PM" message.

[anirban_aim]

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland NOT installed on this aircraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm (feet per minute) descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

This thread and the Aircraft Identification Thread are the two best threads that have been started on BRF in a long time.....

[chackojoseph]

can I crack a sardar joke without Bradmins famous message "please check your PM" message?

[chackojoseph]

Once during WWII, a US general was touring the European locations. A soldier was conducting him around. At one post, the soldier whispers "sir, we are 750 kms away from the front line." The General whispers back "Ah I see."

Then the next location the soldier whispers "Sir, we are 450 kms away from the front." The General whispers back "Ah I see."

Then the next location, the soldier whispers " sir, we are 250 kms from the front. The General whispers back "Ah I see."

The the general asks "Private, we are so far away from the border, then why are we communicating in whispers?"

The soldier replies "Sir, I don't know about you, but, I have a sore throat."

[rsharma]

From the movie "Crimson Tide".. NSFW..

A Captain of a Battle Ship is on an inspection of the aft deck where he comes upon 2 sailors one of whom is f***ing the other in the Musharraf.. so the enraged Captain demands to know what is going on..
Sailor(panting for breath): " Sir, Bob fell over-board and I am trying to save him.."
Captain: " You Dummy.. he needs Mouth-to-Mouth Resuscitation, not a F**k in the rear.."
Sailor(thumping Bob ferociously): " Sir.. how do you think this got started in the first place.."

[Dilbu]

BR Admin

I thought so. I was just joking. But this is a very serious thread, joking is NOT allowed on humour thread.

You NEVER joke on BReapers.

[Dmurphy]

You NEVER joke on BReapers.

Or anything that can be seen as a racial slur.

[P Chitkara]

Once an officer was ordered by his CO (Commanding Officer) to try and convince as many soldiers as
possible for taking the war insurance. Orders are orders, meant to be excuted with perfection. After all, got to keep the senior officers happy too. So our chap ordered all the men of his platoon to assemble at once. This is how it went

"Men, I would like to tell you about this great new insurace cover being offered by the army. All soldiers who decide and get the cover will get a sum of $10,00,000 in case of a major causality requiring their discharge from the service. However, men who are not covered will get the standard amount of $75,000 in the unfortunate event of their suffering the fate I mentioned earlier.

Now, who do you think will they send in first? eh?"

[Kersi D]

I thought so. I was just joking. But this is a very serious thread, joking is NOT allowed on humour thread.
You NEVER joke on BReapers.

Now now. What is BReapers ????

K

[Raja Bose]

OK...let me post one which comes from the IN (and may have appeared in a B-R article too):

I was posted as the executive officer to the Captain of INS Delhi. One day the Captain told me that we were supposed to host the Chief of the Naval Staff (CNS) who would then proceed to inspect our ship. I was ordered to draft an invitation letter for the CNS and submit it for approval. I typed up the letter that night and left it in the Captain's "In" tray for next morning. The next day when I came into my office, I found the letter draft on my desk with a note clipped on it saying "Maybe. But should we call him that? Please re-type."

And then I saw a red circled mark on my draft where I had typed: "To: The Thief of the Naval Staff, Indian Navy".

[Raja Bose]

Now now. What is BReapers ????

They BReap what you sow.

[Gaur]

OK...let me post one which comes from the IN (and may have appeared in a B-R article too):

I was posted as the executive officer to the Captain of INS Delhi. One day the Captain told me that we were supposed to host the Chief of the Naval Staff (CNS) who would then proceed to inspect our ship. I was ordered to draft an invitation letter for the CNS and submit it for approval. I typed up the letter that night and left it in the Captain's "In" tray for next morning. The next day when I came into my office, I found the letter draft on my desk with a note clipped on it saying "Maybe. But should we call him that? Please re-type."

And then I saw a red circled mark on my draft where I had typed: "To: The Thief of the Naval Staff, Indian Navy".

That was hilarious.
However the best one that I have come across had come from Brig RayC. Anyone remember the one regarding "posterior" of a Cadet at NDA?

[chackojoseph]

OK...let me post one which comes from the IN (and may have appeared in a B-R article too):

I was posted as the executive officer to the Captain of INS Delhi. One day the Captain told me that we were supposedame into my office, I found the letter draft on my desk with a note clipped on it saying "Maybe. But should we call him that? Please re-type."

And then I saw a red circled mark on my draft where I had typed: "To: The Thief of the Naval Staff, Indian Navy".

Amazing

There was once a very patriotic Sikh soldier. His daughter was born and he was in a dilemma. So he consulted his senior Major General Hoshiyar Singh.

He said "When my first son was born, I named him Toap Singh. My second son was born, I named him Bandoook Singh. But, what should I name my daughter?"

Major General Hoshiyar Singh thinks for a while and says "Name her Armoured Kaur."

[Gaur]

Ahaa! Found the one about which I was talking about in my previous post.
Full credit goes to RayC Sir.

The English language has always been a problem with Indians.

Indians think they know the language, but then in actuality because of over confidence and a meagre grasp of the language, it lands them in a lot of hot water.

There could be no better example than what happened when I was a Battalion Commander in 1991 in the National Defence Academy {NDA} , Kharakvasla. [NDA is where cadets of the three service train for the first three years].

Though the appointment Battalion Commander appears impressive, it is actually a sinecure.

There was hardly much official work that could have kept me busy. The actual interactive level with the cadets was at the Divisional Officer level. The Divisional Officers were youngsters of the rank of Captain of the Indian Army and its equivalent of the other Services. Between the Divisional Officer and the Battalion Commander was the Squadron Commander, an officer of the rank of Major and its equivalents, who looked after the Squadron. Under his command were three Divisional Officers.

I was the No 2 Battalion Commander.

This story is about an infamous squadron called Hunter Squadron. The name Hunter has no connection with the underlining theme of the story. In actuality, it was H Squadron. For radiotelephony clarity over the atmospheric static, internationally, all alphabets have a phonetic identity for clarity. In radio telephony, H was Hunter. Whether they were hunter or hunted or not, only the NDA chaps can tell. I emphasise this because it is a story about a cadet's wonderful posterior.

That being the background, lets get on with the story of the Cadet and the Posterior.

There was this cadet who otherwise was an excellent lad. However, like all humans he had made a mistake. The mistake was not serious, but then the Army can make the smallest of mistakes look awfully serious, depending on how the next person up the channel views it. Very subjective, but then that is how, unfortunately, the army runs. That is why civilians, the world over, feel that the Army is peopled by Colonel Blimps and chaps recruited from lunatic asylums!

The Deputy Commandant of the NDA was Major General RKM. He was very officious, though a good-hearted man. The good General had a booming voice. That made his demeanour even more self-important. He was a stickler for rules and demanded absolute discipline.

Now, this cadet has committed the cardinal sin of skipping off to Pune without liberty [naval term denoting sanction to go to town]. It was a military sin no doubt, but it did not warrant being marched up to the Deputy Commandant. Marching Up to the Deputy meant a minimum of 14 days restrictions. This involved reporting behind the Sudan Block in FSMO [a heavy and cumbersome rig] at prescribed times, the last being at 2200 hours with an hour of afternoon punishment on the Drill Square. It also meant ruining of one's record and consequently a poor order of merit during passing out or even relegation! Relegation meant losing six months.

To my mind, the cardinal sin was not the skipping, but being caught by the Deputy himself and, more importantly, trying to gyp the Deputy. The Deputy was from the Rajputana Rifles Regiment, but originally was an Artilleryman; the latter call themselves as Gunners with much brouhaha and unconcealed glee and pride. The Gunners, also had this motto, Once a Gunner, Always a Gunner. Absurd, but anything can be expected of Gunners. Thus, in spite of being an Infantryman, he actually was a dyed in wool Artilleryman. One may wonder what's so great about it. Well, actually Gunners, since they fire artillery shells in the indirect mode and at long ranges with the help of mathematical tables [they cannot see the infantry they are supporting] have to be very precision oriented and thereby they are very hide bound because accidents meant lives lost and a court martial. Thus, the Deputy was a strict bloke and to him rules were rules. Interpretation of such rules could cost lives, lives like that of this poor cadet in question!!!

Before a cadet is marched up to the Deputy, it was incumbent on the Battalion Commander to check the Cadet's dossier.

I called for the dossier from H Squadron. The dossier came. I read it carefully. I was astounded!

The cadet had an impeccable record, but the dossier had one entry endorsed as the cadet has an excellent posterior. Posterior? Now, that was real odd, Hunter Squadron or otherwise. In the US Army the rule was ask not, tell not. In the Indian Army such things do not exist because we are straight-laced and yet the Divisional Officer was being a trifle explicit. I believe in democracy, but this was taking things too far.

I called for the Squadron Commander. He was a chap from the Deccan Horse called Major W, son of a Major General; not that it is a sin to be a son of a Major General.

Major W came in with the complete swagger and shake that only an Armoured Corps chap [tank chaps] alone can do. I was duly impressed. However, I was on pigs back since the North Indians and Americans from the Stateside, in spite of all the supercilious superiority, arent too hot in English. I knew while Major W was quite good at spoken English, the written word in this foreign language English, was not his forte or cup of tea.

"Major W, Cadet X is to be marched up to the Deputy. I have gone through his dossier. How is it written that the boy has a good posterior?"

"He is an excellent chap, sir. He is a Squadron Cadet Captain [top gun] material. Indeed, sir, I can personally vouch that he does have a wonderful posterior"Major W confidently answered, giving his left leg a swerve in a 45 degree angle and plonking it on the carpet as would a horse suffering from a bout of serious colic.

I wasnt impressed. He could not browbeat me, even if he were an Armoured Corps chap or a superiority assuming Punjabi. He was possibly under the fond delusion that we, Bengalis, were docile, non-martial and were perpetually petrified of Sardarjis, as we maybe of ferocious animals in the Alipore Zoo . He didnt know that I was the Royal Bengal Tiger.

Do you know the meaning of posterior, Major W? I asked him still rather incredulous.

"Of course, sir. Anyone who has learnt English would know", Major W answered most patronisingly. His confidence startled me, Bengal Tiger or no Bengal Tiger that I thought I was.
This was indeed becoming a queer situation.

"I find that the Divisional Officer has endorsed this remark. Please call for him"I saidsince I wanted to get to the bottom. I couldnt let this type of a queer situation get queerer any further.

The Divisional Officer was a naval chap. They wear half pants. I find this exceeding obscene, especially if they have legs that are more hairy than a Grizzly bear. In winters, one can put on a blanket at night, but you surely cannot carry a blanket in the office on your legs, even if it is only human hair and God given. This naval chap was hairy and funnily, the hair was like the quills on the back of a porcupine. With lot of difficulty, I tore myself from the pastime of imagining what animal his hair on the legs resembled

The naval bloke gave me that naval salute where the hand flips towards Mother Earth in homage! They take pagan rituals too seriously about worshipping Nature.

"Ah ha, old chap" I said cheerily. After all, if his inclination was what he had endorsed on the dossier was anything to go by, it was better to keep this guy on the correct side . Up front and across the table.

"This dossier you have endorsed on Cadet X states that he has a good posterior" I said with a condescending smirk as if to say Gotcha in an official way.

"Yes sir, he has an excellent posterior. I assure you, sir, about the authenticity" said this naval Divisional Officer.

I was incredulous. This man appeared to be a queer!

"Thats wonderful. Pray, where have you seen this Cadets wonderful posterior?" I queried. To be truthful, I was quite intrigued by this time. Both the Squadron Commander and the Divisional Officer had seen it and here was I, the Battalion Commander, deprived of the privilege! The Deputy wouldnt like this. It was poor command and control on my part, the Deputy would deem. Unforgivable indeed!

"I saw it on the Drill Square. Not once, but repeatedly"said the naval bloke with his confidence soaring by the minute.

"Drill Square?" I asked, "Do you know the meaning of posterior? If what you are saying about having seen his posterior repeatedly, may I request you not to indicate your inclination so openly and in writing? Cant have personal experiences in the official realm, can we?" I thundered as if I were Thor, the God of Lightning and Thunder himself.

This whole incident by then had got my goat. I had to put a stop to all this nonsense. I opened the dictionary to the word posterior and showed them.

Both went red in the face and were immensely embarrassed. Inter alia, the dictionary indicated that it meant buttocks; not to be mistaken for the buttocks that Baldev Singh, Indias first Defence Minister had seen in London. (Buttocks means ducks in Hindi).

"Sorry, sir, what I meant was posture. In Drill that is an important factor" said the naval Divisional Officer defensively.

That I know. No matter how wonderful a posterior the Cadet might have, and no matter how many times you have seen the same on the drill square and no matter what your inclination might me, please follow the US way “ Ask not, tell not¦and further, write not. Just be Bapu ke bandars  (Bapu ke bandar = three monkeys who see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil).

That stern caution ended the sordid mystery of the Cadet and his excellent posterior.

The Cadet was marched up to the Deputy. I was able to save him from the worst when he was marched up to the Deputy. Yes sir, the Cadet was saved. His posterior was saved!

I wonder if the Deputy, too, had second thoughts because the cadet had a wonderful posterior! Once a Gunner, always a Gunner, as the Artillery saying goes!

[chackojoseph]

The discipline among soldiers is so imbibed in soldiers that sometimes it can reach manic proportions.

Once an officer falls into a well.
He shouts for help.
A soldier passing buy hears and lowers the bucket attached to rope and the pulley. So, the officer catches the rope and the soldier starts pulling it up.
When the officer's shoulder is just above the wells surface, the soldier happens to see the ranks on his shoulder.
Immediately, the soldier snaps into attention and offers him a salute.

And the officer splashed into the well again.

[chackojoseph]

In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought
there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored
and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic. The General said: *


*“I believe that forgiving them is God's function.

**OUR job is to arrange the meeting”** *

[VishalJ]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”

[parshuram]

From Across the border...... ..

[Gaur]

From Across the border...... ..

That was precious.
Haven t' had such a laugh for a long time.

[Pratik_S]

From Across the border...... ..

Joker named Zaid Hamid, was dropped on his head by his mother when she was trying to flee from Indian military attacks during 1965 war. It resulted into him acquiring the above condition.