Military Humor and related

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jamwal
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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 16 Oct 2013 11:38

Kersi D

Well...you don't have a dirty mind.

Pay attention to the shape of red thing. Ignore everything else.


BTW, I'm pretty much sure that it's not a Brahmos.

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India thought Jupiter and Venus were spy drones

Postby Leo.Davidson » 17 Oct 2013 03:50

IS THIS REAL !!!

The Indian army spent roughly six months watching and documenting what they thought were two Chinese spy drones, but were actually the planets Jupiter and Venus.

http://vr-zone.com/articles/india-thought-jupiter-and-venus-were-spy-drones/47700.html

Take a dash of paranoia and add a sprinkling of incompetency and you might get something along the lines of what happened in India recently. The Indian army detected two unknown objects in the night sky sometime in August of 2012, and concluded that they were probably Chinese spy drones. The Telegraph Calcutta reports that the Indian army made 329 sightings of these objects, tracking them between August of 2012 and February of 2013. According to the army’s reports, on 155 of the sightings, the objects were in violation of the Line of Actual Control that separates China and India. ...

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Re: India thought Jupiter and Venus were spy drones

Postby PratikDas » 17 Oct 2013 04:37

Leo.Davidson wrote:IS THIS REAL !!!

The Indian army spent roughly six months watching and documenting what they thought were two Chinese spy drones, but were actually the planets Jupiter and Venus.

http://vr-zone.com/articles/india-thought-jupiter-and-venus-were-spy-drones/47700.html

Take a dash of paranoia and add a sprinkling of incompetency and you might get something along the lines of what happened in India recently. The Indian army detected two unknown objects in the night sky sometime in August of 2012, and concluded that they were probably Chinese spy drones. The Telegraph Calcutta reports that the Indian army made 329 sightings of these objects, tracking them between August of 2012 and February of 2013. According to the army’s reports, on 155 of the sightings, the objects were in violation of the Line of Actual Control that separates China and India. ...


It would be better to refer to the full article in The Telegraph, but even that has been titled to ridicule. When you actually read the content of the article though, you realise that a Lance Naik on observation duty took detailed measurements of observations at a sensitive location and then reported his observations. The observations were then forwarded to the Indian Institute of Astrophysics for verification, who confirmed that the objects are planets and the clarity of the atmosphere at the height of observation makes the targets appear extraordinarily bright.

I am reassured knowing that an Indian Army Lance Naik performs his observation duty so meticulously. Of course, it comes as no surprise that DDM will twist an incident in any manner to boost TRP at the expense of self esteem.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Kersi D » 17 Oct 2013 13:41

jamwal wrote:Kersi D

Well...you don't have a dirty mind.

Pay attention to the shape of red thing. Ignore everything else.


BTW, I'm pretty much sure that it's not a Brahmos.


GOD !!!!!!

I have a REAL dirty mind but not when I am on BRF\.

F

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 28 Oct 2013 20:00

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called US Navy SEALS himself.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Samay » 28 Oct 2013 23:45

jamwal wrote:Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called US Navy SEALS himself.


:rotfl:

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 12 Nov 2013 14:31

Image

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Re: Indian Army: News and Discussions 15 Apr 2012

Postby Akshay Kapoor » 22 Nov 2013 01:25

Actually am going to be cheeky and post them here as I cant find the Mil Humour thread. Mods apologies and please feel free to delete if inappropriate. I genuinely tried hard to find the thread but couldn't. I have heard these many years ago from the chap it happened to.

1. During Op Pawan in Sri Lanka a Young Officer (YO) of the Assam Regt was leading a column when they suddenly came under ambush. The officer dove out of the vehicle and ordered 2 inch mortar deploy karo. Time passed, the firing carried on and own troops were retaliating with small arms but there was no mortar fire. So he asked his subedar saab ' saab mortar ko kya hua'. Response 'apke hukum ke mutabiq deploy ho gaya hai sahib'. He asks ' To fire kyun nahi aa raha hai?' Response ' ammunition to doosri gaadi mei aa raha hai sahib'. Subedar saab had decided that order was to deploy and he didn't worry about firing till he was asked. The YO was close to tears but was getting to know the aplomb under fire of his troops.

2. Army day parade - an Assam Regt contingent lead by I think the same offr above who was now a Major arrives in Delhi. One evening during the build up to the parade there is an incident. One of his troops a Mizo is peacefully playing the guitar in his tent. Starts getting teased by some other troops - Jats, Sikhs, Rajputs etc . Can't remember exactly what the issue was but something to do with him playing the guitar. All in good fun but this chap feels insulted takes out his dah and goes beserk. Couple of chaps are injured. He is captured and arrested by the CMP.

Contingent commander (the Major) is marched up in front of the Adm Commdt of Delhi Cantt. Gets an earful from a furious Col. Major Saab says 'sir may I explain ? This chap is a Mizo. They are nice people and good troops but can be temperamental. Sometimes minor things set them off and they can react in unexpected ways'.

In the Major's words ' The Col had a far away look in his eyes for a moment or two and then he calmed down and said 'I know what you mean. My wife is also a Mizo'!

T

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Rahul M » 23 Nov 2013 01:11

x-post
Akshay Kapoor wrote:Actually am going to be cheeky and post them here as I cant find the Mil Humour thread. Mods apologies and please feel free to delete if inappropriate. I genuinely tried hard to find the thread but couldn't. I have heard these many years ago from the chap it happened to.

1. During Op Pawan in Sri Lanka a Young Officer (YO) of the Assam Regt was leading a column when they suddenly came under ambush. The officer dove out of the vehicle and ordered 2 inch mortar deploy karo. Time passed, the firing carried on and own troops were retaliating with small arms but there was no mortar fire. So he asked his subedar saab ' saab mortar ko kya hua'. Response 'apke hukum ke mutabiq deploy ho gaya hai sahib'. He asks ' To fire kyun nahi aa raha hai?' Response ' ammunition to doosri gaadi mei aa raha hai sahib'. Subedar saab had decided that order was to deploy and he didn't worry about firing till he was asked. The YO was close to tears but was getting to know the aplomb under fire of his troops.

2. Army day parade - an Assam Regt contingent lead by I think the same offr above who was now a Major arrives in Delhi. One evening during the build up to the parade there is an incident. One of his troops a Mizo is peacefully playing the guitar in his tent. Starts getting teased by some other troops - Jats, Sikhs, Rajputs etc . Can't remember exactly what the issue was but something to do with him playing the guitar. All in good fun but this chap feels insulted takes out his dah and goes beserk. Couple of chaps are injured. He is captured and arrested by the CMP.

Contingent commander (the Major) is marched up in front of the Adm Commdt of Delhi Cantt. Gets an earful from a furious Col. Major Saab says 'sir may I explain ? This chap is a Mizo. They are nice people and good troops but can be temperamental. Sometimes minor things set them off and they can react in unexpected ways'.

In the Major's words ' The Col had a far away look in his eyes for a moment or two and then he calmed down and said 'I know what you mean. My wife is also a Mizo'!

T

second one is gold. :D

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Raja Bose » 25 Nov 2013 22:46

2nd one is too good! The poor Colonel must be reliving his encounters 'under fire' :rotfl:

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby tsarkar » 05 Dec 2013 14:59

This is worse than an Afghan or Yemeni marriage http://tarmak007.blogspot.in/search?upd ... esults=100

Good they are firing blanks, otherwise, its too dangerous for themselves.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 04 Mar 2014 22:18

Image

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 07 Mar 2014 23:29

Image

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby member_27581 » 22 Mar 2014 21:24

Had to quote this..Sometimes I wonder what do these guys smoke
<p>Given that India’s nuclear weapons programme was originally motivated more by the prestige factor than as a necessary means to meet real security threats, a gradual shift in India’s nuclear posture over the past few years has been viewed as worrisome by the community of strategic thinkers. The statements of Indian policymakers and military generals suggest a significant departure in its declaratory, if not its operational variation, from the official nuclear doctrine as revised in 2003. Influenced by a strong scientific community, India is moving away from its unequivocal policies of no first use (NFU) and ‘maintaining a credible minimum deterrent’.<span id="more-35089"></span></p>
<p>India’s development of its nuclear delivery capabilities can further play a destabilising role by triggering a nuclear arms race in the region. Because of its geopolitical weight, New Delhi’s choices will have significant implications both for deterrence stability in the region and the future of the evolving global nuclear order.</p>
<p>India’s 2003 nuclear doctrine pledged a strict adherence to a policy of NFU for its nuclear weapons. However, in 2010, Shiv Shankar Menon, India’s National Security Advisor, delivered a speech suggesting NFU policy be applicable only against non-nuclear weapons states. It implies that India no longer adheres to a similar pledge against Pakistan and China. Some experts believe India is also planning to build about 400 nuclear warheads, at least four times what Pakistan currently possesses. Emboldened by US support for its nuclear ambitions, India has embarked on a ‘ready nuclear arsenal policy’. This readiness to consider first use of nuclear weapons represents a doctrinal shift toward nuclear war fighting as opposed to a purely retaliatory posture.</p>
<p>The Indian nuclear establishment has also ditched its long-held claim of maintaining a ‘credible minimum deterrent’. Although much confusion surrounds what ‘minimum’ means in numbers, credible minimum deterrence is no longer the driving aim of India’s nuclear doctrine. Achieving a ‘credible minimum deterrent’ towards both of its primary strategic adversaries, China and Pakistan, means substantially different levels of capability. What is credible toward China will not be minimum toward Pakistan, and what is minimum toward Pakistan cannot be credible toward China. The probability of a major war with China is not very high so India’s nuclear posture should be framed keeping in view its primary deterrent adversary which is Pakistan and against whom they initially wanted to build a credible minimum deterrent.</p>
<p>In addition, China is so advanced in nuclear capability that perhaps India will never be able to match China’s nuclear arsenal or delivery capability. But the prevailing attitudes toward nuclear weaponry among Indian nuclear security managers betray an over-obsession with China. Such attitudes will achieve nothing and start an unending nuclear arms race in South Asia. India’s conventional superiority could easily deter Pakistan from any attack against India, so India’s nuclear capability never had a ‘strategic’ justification but was a desire for ‘prestige’.<br>
There is no gainsaying the fact that India’s nuclear establishment is going down this potentially dangerous path due to the overriding influence of nuclear scientists and technical bureaucracies. Like Pakistan, the civilian political leadership, due to complications of domestic politics, is not in a position to exercise authority over India’s vast nuclear establishment.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: The Defence Research and Development Organization (DRDO), the main organ responsible for determining India’s emerging nuclear posture, continues to waste money on the aforementioned immature and risky adventures, stupidly touting them as ‘world class capabilities’. DRDO officials publicly concede that most of these projects do not have clearance from the top political authorities in the country.</p>
<p>For instance, the development of Agni VI, capable of carrying four to six warheads, in February 2013 had no sanction from the Union government of India. This policy of indulging in dangerous nuclear adventures may imperil global security in the long run. India’s highest civilian security leadership seriously needs to rein in the nuclear establishment and wrest control of India’s nuclear doctrine from parochial organisational interests.<br>
The security of Pakistan’s nuclear programme has always received attention in the international media due to domestic political instability and growing internal militant threats.
In contrast the security of Bhabha Atomic Research Centre (BARC) has been breached many times but there is little public discussion about threats to the security of India’s huge civilian and military nuclear infrastructure. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:
Instead, an overriding assumption exists that relevant agencies in India provide enough security to nuclear infrastructure. The fact of the matter is that no nuclear state in the world is totally immune to security threats to its nuclear assets, or to the simple risk of safety-related accidents. Given the rapid growth of India’s nuclear arsenal over the past few years, different homegrown insurgents and militants have the potential to compromise India’s nuclear security. But there is no public information available about practical measures taken by New Delhi to counter internal threats to its nuclear weapons.<br>
The current changes in India’s strategic posture and deployment patterns, whether politically sanctioned or not, will surely force China and Pakistan to respond in ways that will likely prove detrimental to Indian and global security. India has been modernising and expanding its forces both vertically and horizontally. Despite the world attention focused on Pakistan, developments regarding India’s nuclear doctrine may convert the country into a potential source of nuclear terrorism. The mad pursuit of research and development in Ballistic Missile Defence is totally inconsistent with a no-first-use posture and rather adds to unpredictability and uncertainty. Both India and Pakistan should halt expansion of their nuclear arsenals in order to enhance regional security.</p>

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby raj.devan » 26 Mar 2014 20:12

^^^ Do you have the link? It looks like it was written by someone in Chinese Propaganda Ministry... Esp going by the platitudes heaped on the Chinese from time to time in the text.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby member_27581 » 26 Mar 2014 22:46

raj.devan wrote:^^^ Do you have the link? It looks like it was written by someone in Chinese Propaganda Ministry... Esp going by the platitudes heaped on the Chinese from time to time in the text.


http://idrw.org/?p=35089

Well they delegated to their Friends in Paksitan.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Samay » 31 Mar 2014 19:20

Can anyone enlighten us where to buy in India ,a French rifle, never fired , only dropped once or twice ?.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 01 Apr 2014 10:48

American jokes on courage of French are very stale.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Viv S » 12 May 2014 08:20


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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby anirban_aim » 23 Jun 2014 15:50

Has this been posted before?

From a very old blogspost:

http://cyclicstories.blogspot.in/2011/0 ... m.html?m=1

All my life I have wondered, ‘Who is Govt of India ?

In 1978, I was interviewed by the president of India (Sanjeeva Reddy) for the post of an ADC. In my zealous enthusiasm, after a bit of chatting with the Supreme Commander, I asked him with sincere naivety whether he was GOI. He very absentmindedly said ‘No’. I was so disappointed that I immediately told him that I do not wish to be his ADC (Air Chief Mulgaonkar skinned me for it). During my stint at Air HQ, towards the end of my service career, I once asked fellow Rimcolian Air Chief Suri, ‘Do you know GOI ?’. Luckily he was in good mood and hence I got away with it. Whenever I got a chance to go to MOD I went around asking everyone there, ‘Are you GOI, do you know where I can find it ?’. To the last man, every one of them denied being GOI or know what it was. Once I even heard the Prime Minster Narasimha Rao on TV complaining, ‘the Govt is yet to formulate policy’. Poor chap, even he didn’t know who is GOI. Finally, the only man I discovered who knew GOI was ‘Yashpal’, the Desk Officer in the Air Wing of MOD. He often wrote letters to me which began, ”I am directed by GOI’, but when asked who is GOI, he refused to confide or confess.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Raja Bose » 24 Jun 2014 21:48

Maybe from now on SHQs should be called GOI and a gazette notification issued to that effect.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby brar_w » 24 Jun 2014 21:58

LOL. Well the service chiefs will be meeting GOI once a month from now :)

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby member_23694 » 25 Jun 2014 21:56

Patriotism vs Objectivity [Relevant in many areas ]

Definitely OT but sorry could not help :lol:

http://www.ndtv.com/article/offbeat/del ... topstories

Q. Do you think India can actually go on to win the World Cup?

A1. A 20-something man: Yes, this being the first time. They are playing against more qualified people, they could do better, it's the beginning stage (umm, alright then).

A2. A young woman: There are many footballers in India. It will do good. Yeah, they can win (she probably took all the Indian men who watch football to be footballers, no?).

A3. Ofcourse, why not. India has the ability to make any changes in the world (sic). (Even magically appear as a World Cup qualifier?)

A4. We are son of the soil, feel our country will win (sic). (Just three words: Love is blind)

Q. Did you like Iam Lying's (an imaginary Indian footballer) header?

A. Yeah, it was good. But I'm still with Portugal.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby amol » 14 Aug 2014 22:58

Not sure it's been posted here before, but here goes, nonetheless...
At in an international forum, an Indian representative began his speech:
"Before i begin my speech, I'd like to tell you a very old story about Rishi Kashyap, after whom Kashmir has been named. He once found a beautiful lake and decided to bathe in it. He removed his clothes and entered the water. When he came out, he found that his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them!"

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted: "What are you talking about? Pakistanis weren't there then!"

The Indian representative smiled and said: "And now that we've made that clear, I shall begin my speech. 'And they say Kashmir belongs to them!' "

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby VishalJ » 15 Aug 2014 06:28

Image

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby VishalJ » 17 Aug 2014 06:11

Just tweeted by the BAs: https://twitter.com/BlueAngels/status/5 ... 1971565568 :D

Image

Imagine such a thing happening in India :idea:

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby koti » 07 Sep 2014 18:47



:eek:

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby sarkar » 26 Sep 2014 17:19

Now since we are Martians this is relevant.

Image

Courtsey http://t.co/WlK8rdPpEb

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby member_20317 » 02 Oct 2014 20:02

Space monkey caught by brave North Korean pilots thanks to the advanced hi flying spacecraft in the background.

Image

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby pushkar.bhat » 06 Oct 2014 21:44

Vishal Jolapara wrote:Just tweeted by the BAs: https://twitter.com/BlueAngels/status/5 ... 1971565568 :D

Image

Imagine such a thing happening in India :idea:


Yep it happened after the IOC of LCA and we complained that they did it with water instead of the traditional wine..

here is the link to the photo.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Shrinivasan » 07 Oct 2014 09:48

pushkar.bhat wrote:Yep it happened after the IOC of LCA and we complained that they did it with water instead of the traditional wine..
nowadays HAL does it after the first flight of every platform. LCH, Rudra, LCA, LCA-Navy etc. I remember in one of the first flights, a Big Orange bucket of water was brought on the truck towing the LCA to the tarmac from the hangar for use later...

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby member_20317 » 07 Oct 2014 10:09

Yes off course we do it. In fact they learnt it from us Indians.

We use Gangajal and Gaumutra. These people corrupted that to bottled water and alcohol......

See India! Again...First!

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby jamwal » 27 Oct 2014 23:07

Stand behind your product? Sure. Stand in front of your brake design for a combat tank? Not so sure
http://imgur.com/gallery/sPJPcIc

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby deejay » 22 Nov 2014 13:25

I hope its not been posted before.

Murphy's MILITARY LAWS...
>Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
>Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
>Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
>Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
>The easy way is always mined.
>Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
>If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
>Incoming fire has the right of way.
>No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
>No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
>If the enemy is within range, so are you.
>The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
>Tracers work both ways.
>Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
>Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
>Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
>When in doubt, empty your magazine.
>The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
>Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
>The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
>The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
>The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
>If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
>To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
>The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the one u r trained with.
>The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
>The crucial round is a dud.
>There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
>Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
>Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
>Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
>The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
>If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
>If you enter CO's office with an idea, most likely, you will leave his office with the CO's idea.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Thakur_B » 22 Nov 2014 15:20

jamwal wrote:Stand behind your product? Sure. Stand in front of your brake design for a combat tank? Not so sure
http://imgur.com/gallery/sPJPcIc


Works better with sound ;)
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMmu6TwhQx4[/youtube]

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby vaibhav.n » 14 Dec 2014 12:00

Recorded in Army ACR's----Pearls of Wisdom :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
4. This officer reminds me very much of a Gyroscope- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
5. This young lady officer has delusions of adequacy.
6. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
9. This officer should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
10. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Akshay Kapoor » 14 Dec 2014 15:30

hahahahaha brilliant !

are they from Indian Army ACRs?

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby anirban_aim » 14 Dec 2014 20:04

Hi, just logged into BR. Checked the mainsite. Saw the below news report from TOIlet paper:

http://www.bharat-rakshak.com/NEWS/news ... wsid=21508

Warmed the cockles of my heart to note that TOIlet DDM stays firmy there.

For your viewing pleasure, gentlemen and ladies please check out the IB logo in the report.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby Rahul M » 14 Dec 2014 21:04

due credit should go to that fountainhead of DDM -- PTI.

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Re: Military Humor and related

Postby deejay » 21 Dec 2014 21:40

This is another one doing the rounds these days:
Adopt a Terrorist..!!
This is a BRILLIANT …

The Canadians know how to handle complaints.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She demanded a response to her letter.
She received the following reply:

From:
National Defence HQ
Maj. Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT,
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada.

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself… we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or “L.A.R.K.” for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself… around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere ‘cultural differences’. We understand that you plan to offer ‘counselling and home schooling’, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can ‘reason’ with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might ‘offend him and his sensibilities’. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while ‘helping him adjust to life in our country’.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually… since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the “PROPER WAY TO DO OUR JOB AND CARE FOR OUR FELLOW MAN”.
Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor


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