The Friday Times
2010/07/09
excerpt
Diary of a Social Butterfly
I was enjoying so much in London, na, hanging up with all my friends from Lahore and Isloo in their flats in Kensington and enjoying London ki dheemi dheemi si heat when suddenly the phone came and spoilt everything. It was Mummy to say there’d been bombs in Data Saab. Fifty people had died and she didn’t know how many injured.
‘Mummy,’ I said, ‘it’s very sad and all but what does it have to do with us?’
And then she said quietly:
‘Jonkers was there.’
‘Jonkers?’ I yelled. ‘Is he okay? What was he doing there?’
‘No. He’s not okay.. .’
Apparently poor Jonkers had gone to Data to maano a mannat. He hasn’t been able to find a new wife na and even though he’s tried his bestest to find a nice decent type, he’s been alone since that chaaloo cheez, that gold dogger Miss Shumaila ran away taking his Honda salon and Aunty Pussy kay diamonds. So he went to Data Sahib to ask for help. He took five thou to distribute among the poors and he took his driver because parking is so hard there, na.
Anyways, Jonkers had just entered the tomb ka area and because it was hot and Jonkers heat say used to nahin hai na, so he just gave ishara to his driver keh you go on and I’ll follow. So the driver plunged into the crowds and Jonkers was coming slowly slowly, when suddenly there was a sound like a bijli ka transformer blowing and Jonkers couldn’t remember anything afterwards. He was knocked off his feet and hit his head on the wall. Because he’s ganja the gash is very deep and he has also got con cushion and he stayed fainted for such a long time that Aunty Pussy thought he’d gone inside a comma. Anyways he’s in the hospital but his driver is dead. He was 32 years old and had three children all under seven years. His wife is 28. His name was Naeem. He was Auntie Pussy’s old driver, Saleem’s, son. He used to call pizzas pakeezas and he taught Kulchoo how to fly kites and do bo kaatas.
Night after the bombs burst we went to have dinner with Lahori friends, Billoo and Tara, who have a flat here on the back side of Shelfridges only (4 bed, 4 bath, at least 3 million quids ka) and when someone said ‘oho very sad about the bombs in Lahore’, Billoo ek dum said, ‘Yeh sub Amreekan kara rahay hain.’ Normally it’s Janoo who shouts when people say stuppid things like that but this time, I couldn’t help myself, “Yes the two bombers were blonde blue eyed baseball players from Canttucky,’ I shouted. ‘And before that the guys who killed the Ahmadis, were also Amreekans. Big black negros from Menhettan. Or were they Jews from Walls Street? It’s never us, is it? It’s always someone else.’
Another nugget from the Urdu press - Think they know it was an 'untouchable' defense minister in charge during the 1971 war?
Quoted in Nawa-e-Waqt Majeed Nizami said that a Mahabharata was in store for India when the untouchables and the Muslims will unite to finish off the Brahmans. This would be like India’s plot to separate East Pakistan through Mukti Bahini. Pakistan will use the untouchables of India to bring about the end of India.
Arrested for marrying ‘khusra’
According to Jang the police swooped down on a man in Peshawar accused of marrying a khusra (transvestite). The expensively trained police most conscientiously acted like commandos and captured Malik Iqbal, the bridegroom, his bride, Kashif alias Rani and 45 baratis (invitees to the wedding). The arrested party was brought to the magistrate under heavy guard to give the citizens a sense of security under attack from the Taliban. The police, while getting ready to save the population from the Taliban, were overjoyed to know that the khusra and his bridegroom could be given a life sentence.